Practice What's Been Preached: October 2010

Imagine that a marriage is like a garden.

A marriage is not like sod – where you just roll it out
A marriage is not like flowers – that you can just go buy and display
A marriage is not like fruit of the month – delivered to your door

It has to be tended. We can't be mad if a marriage takes work. You can't plant it and come back in 3 months and say – where's my food? Gardens take work. You need tools. Tools to plant – prune – fertilize – only then can you harvest.

One of the last things that Pop (my wife's grandfather) bought – before he stopped driving was a machine he called his cultivator. And on his 1/3 of an acre farm in Souderton Pop grew strawberries – tomatoes – blackberries. What did Pop have to do? He had to work in his garden. It took his time. It took work. He had to watch it. If it did not rain enough – he had to water it. He had to pull weeds out – or they would take over and kill the garden. He had to keep the bugs out or they would eat up his fruit.

If he wanted to get the fruit of what he planted – he had to cultivate the garden. If we want to have Great Marriages – we are going to need to cultivate them, too.

Start by Cultivating your Commitment. A marriage covenant is characterized by total, exclusive, continuing and growing commitment. To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means first of all to be willing to make a total commitment of ourselves to our marriage partners. This is why Paul in Ephesians compares marriage to the relationship of Christ with His church.

"To make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." (Ephesians 5:25-26)

Christ's commitment to us, the church, is so total that He loved us while we were sinners and died so that we might have life.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

So if your spouse is a sinner – what did Jesus do as our example? He loved us. Jesus gave up His life that we may live. That is why our commitment to marriage is so important. The example the Bible gives is Christ's commitment to the church – to us. We should look at each other – and see the future glory of the other person. Through sacrificial service we can help our spouse become what Jesus wants them ultimately to be.

Love is an action first – then a feeling. Elizabeth Achtemeier said:

"I will be with you, no matter what happens to us and between us. If you should become blind tomorrow, I will be there. If you achieve no success and attain no status in our society, I will be there. When we argue and are angry, as we inevitably will, I will work to bring us together. When we seem totally at odds and neither of us is having needs fulfilled, I will persist in trying to understand and in trying to restore our relationship. When our marriage seems utterly sterile and going nowhere at all, I will believe that it can work and I will want it to work and I will do my part to make it work. And when all is wonderful and we are happy, I will rejoice over our life together, and continue to strive to keep our relationship growing and strong."

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means also to be willing to make an exclusive commitment of ourselves to our marital partners. It means, as the marriage vows put it, "to forsake all others" so long as ye both shall live."

If we want God's blessing we need to be committed to our roles in marriage. Jesus shows us both roles through His example. For the husband, the role of headship is like Jesus to the church. For the wife, the role of submission is like Jesus to the Father. The Son was equal in Essence – power and glory – as the Father. But in the economy of God – Jesus takes the subordinate role. Jesus changed everything. Because Authority meant lovingly serve.

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant." (Philippians 2:5-7)

I heard one pastor's wife give this as a good definition as to explain these roles:

"Headship is something given from one to another. The giver is equal to the receiver – the receiver has real and final authority, but uses it only to serve and please and build up the giver – it is not to be used for yourself because that is not how Jesus used His headship."

I thought that was a great – Jesus washed His disciples feet – those He had authority over - and died on the Cross for us out of Love.

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means also to experience a growing commitment, which deepens and matures through life's experiences. The Christian life is a call to grow "to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ" (Eph 4:13), until we love with the fullness of His love. The same call applies to our marriage relationships. There must be a maturing and deepening of our commitment to each other. When marriage commitment stops growing, it begins to wither away. Growth in commitment to marriage is not achieved overnight. Like a garden it takes time.

Are you committed to each other?

Next we need to Cultivate our Communication.

"The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, But a perverse tongue will be cut out. The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, But the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse." (Proverbs 10:31-32)

Words have the power to do damage that can't be undone. We know that when you say something – you can never make it unsaid. Words can do damage that can never be completely taken away. Listen to the Proverbs – words can pierce like a sword! Someone stabs you with a sword – and even if you don't die, you're left with the scar forever.

This Proverb is talking about reckless words. Words that are cutting. Words that criticize. Words of sarcasm. When words like that are said they wound and they damage relationships.

Ask yourself these questions when you are about to communicate:

What's the goal of my communication?

I'm getting ready to talk: What's my motive? Why am I going to speak?

This is especially true if there is a complaint, a disagreement, or a confrontation. If my goal is to:

Payback – you hurt me – I'm just protecting myself!
Prove I'm right – pride
Get my way - so watch out!

These are all bad motives! These are not following the Biblical principle love. Our mindset should be a ministry mindset. A gospel mindset.

It should be:

I want you to grow in Christ
I want to encourage you
I want to build you up

So in communication – what is my motive?

You also need to think about taking the log out of your own eye. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5,

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

If there is a problem, find the part that's your fault. Even if it's only 10% your fault – say "this is what I did – it was wrong". Say "I'm sorry" – and do that without excuses – without saying "this is what you did". First think about your motive. Then think about the log in YOUR eye.

Attack the problem, not the person! For example, say your spouse never remembers important days – our anniversary – birthdays. If you attack the person – what is going to happen? You're probably going to wound with words – that you can't take back. You're going to make the other person attack back. They might retreat.

If there is a problem maybe say it this way:

You have done this _____________

It's affecting me like this__________

I think it would be better if you ___________

But maybe I am seeing it wrong – please explain.

Make it safe for your spouse to communicate. If your spouse comes to talk to you and you, blow up or attack or change the subject. Maybe you apologize too quick – not because you are really sorry – but because you don't want to deal with it. You make it unsafe to communicate. We should seek first to understand – then to be understood!

I know what you're thinking - that is going to be a lot of work. Gardening is a lot of work – but what does it produce – fruit to eat! Cultivating communication will give your marriage life.

Work on Cultivating your Communion. The most difficult – but probably the most helpful. Since the bond that holds our spiritual life is Christ, there must be a sense of our communion with Christ in our marriage. Since marriage is of God, those things we do to grow spiritually are things we can do to grow spiritually together. Such as praying together, worshipping together, serving at church together, or being in a Care Group.

So if Pop had to cultivate a garden to get some fruit to eat, how much more do we need to cultivate our marriages to have Great ones?